Did your parents do that to you?  My mother tried it every chance she got.  She would say “oh feel sorry for that little string bean, it’s lonely, you have to eat it.”  Really??? a string bean has feelings?  My mother was good at manipulation.  She wasn’t big on spanking but boy she would never let you forget when you made a bad decision.  I would say “just hit me and get it over with.”  She also never told you that you couldn’t do something right, she just said to let her do it because she had more practice and could do it better and faster.  So with all this said, I have a horrible guilt over things.  I carry it along like dragging a bag of dirty laundry.

Now Bob doesn’t use the guilt factor, but the animals sure do.  It’s the eyes.  They look at you with the eyes.  The puppy has it down pat, much like my mother.  “OMG!” she’s my mother reincarnated!  The growling, the whining, and the guilt, especially the guilt.  Good thing I don’t believe in reincarnation.  When Bob and I are getting showered and ready to go out, she comes crawling with her one shoulder to the carpet, with her one eye looking up, and piddles as she comes, like “no, you’re not going to leave me again.”  Then she checks if she piddled and crawls around feeling guilty.  “Oh no! did I lay a guilt trip on her too?”  Now I’m my mother.

Although the puppy has it down pat, the horses know how to work it too.  Zoey is very good at it.  I guess 18 years of practice works.  And people think animals are dumb.  They lay a guilt trip for a second or two, but it sticks with me for days.

My friend finally decided her Thoroughbred is not the horse she needs.  All she really wanted was a quiet trail horse to ride around her neighborhood.  She really loved him and he is so personable, but he was keeping her from her goal.  He needed more, she needed less.  It wasn’t fair to either of them.  So she sold him.

The trailer arrived to pick him up.  The horses that were down by the barn were put in the barn, they all came to attention.  Fri started screaming, Zoey was circling in her stall, Copper stood watching intently, and Tigger started pacing.  Why was that strange trailer here?  Was someone new coming or was someone here leaving.  Tig was pulled from his stall and now everyone was responding.

So my friend led him out and showed him the trailer.  He loaded just fine the week before in to the boogey dental trailer so this one was more like my trailer and I didn’t think there would be a problem.  She handed over the lead to the trucker, figured it was his equipment let him do it.  He was kind and gentle.  Took his time and tried to make friends and comfort Tig.  Tig was kind back, but had no intention of getting into that trailer.  Nothing bad, just a little side to side evasion tactic.  The driver tried for about 10 minutes using all the normal logic.  A little lunging, a little backing, and more calm attempts.  Now Tig is very food motivated and will usually follow a bucket of sweet feed anywhere.  Not this time.  His owner got his favorite horse treats.  Nope.  We tried standing on each side of the ramp.  Nope.  He would get to the base and just stop.  He kept his eye on me the whole time.  I kept my eye on him the whole time.  So I went and sat on the mounting block and watched from a short distance.  I figured if I was out-of-the-way he’d have to pay attention to them.  She tried loading him.  No his eye was still on me.  We put a chain on his nose, and I went back to the mounting block.  Nope.  I could feel him pleading with me to make them stop.  I told the trucker, he’s not a bad horse, he’s just testing you all.  What I knew was that he knew exactly what was going to happen and he didn’t want to leave his home and his friends.  “All I could hear in my head was “please make them stop.  I don’t want to leave.”  Ripped my heart out.  I couldn’t stand watching his anguish, he was getting upset.  So I walked over, put the chain in his mouth.  Now the trucker protested, said he didn’t like to do that to a horse.  I told him I don’t believe in it either, but he’s off the track and is used to it.  I also told him that you don’t use it, it’s just there and he calms down and accepts things.  I spoke with Tig and told him he had to do this.  He put his head up in protest as I started to walk him.  I stop and told him that this was unacceptable behavior.  He dropped his head and followed me right in.  When I clipped him in the trailer he placed his nose against me like he always did.  I told him I can’t help him this time, and we closed him in.  He started pawing and complaining about what was happening.

This was the beginning of this horrible nightmare of a guilt trip.  First of all I always hate any of my boarders horses to leave.  They are like my babies.  Then to have this horse trust me that I would make this all go away and I didn’t, hurt me immensely.  He trusted me and I let him down.  It wasn’t my choice, but I didn’t want him to become more upset than he was.  My girlfriend followed the trailer to where it was going and told me that he was so lathered and dripping wet that the trailer floor was covered in sweat.

Now Bob was a great help.  He told me “that horse will never trust you again.”  No he probably won’t, but I think I could get him to.  However, he won’t ever have to.

I just pray that he will have the home that he really needs, with someone who will love him and do things with him that he really loves to do.  We were trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, and that just never works.  He’s a sweet boy and deserves more out of life than he had here.

I still cry and I’m still carrying the guilt that I betrayed his trust, but in one of my morning readings God spoke to me.  It said “I know that the Lord brings one blessing after another, but I’m so full of the past that there’s no room for the future.  I have to let go of what’s already gone.”

He’s moved on, now I have to.